Five Types of Men That Make My Vibrator Look Good

I don't actually own a vibrator. Not that there's anything wrong with them, or with owning one. Not at all. They're called sex toys for a reason, and that reason is hella fun. But I've never gone out and gotten one on my own. I've only ever had them bought for me or with me. I don't know why I feel the need to stand up and clarify this. Maybe I have some issue. THE POINT IS, no judgment on the vibe-owning ladies. Ladies, vibe away.

One of the perks, I have decided, that comes with being on the wrong side of thirty-five is I get to write Oh honey, let me tell you a thing or two about men type posts. Please note that I said "tell" not "teach", because taking relationship advice from me would be about as hilarious as asking me for style tips (my two modes of dress are "slob" and "whore", depending on the hour). I may not always know what I do want, but I've collected enough evidence in my three+ decades to at least know a few things I do not want.*

1. Narcissists

"Narcissist" is a term that gets thrown around pretty loosely. Many a vain, egotistical douche has gotten the label slapped on them. But true narcissists are nothing to be laughed at. They're dangerous, manipulative, controlling, and soul-sucking emotional vampires who use people to get what psychologists call Narcissistic Supply. In other words: attention, good or bad. A Narcissist will suck you in with his charm, his intensity, his promises, and his great looks. You won't see the mask slip for weeks or even months, but when it does, you'll be left bewildered and badly damaged. I have had one (1) encounter with such a beast, and it was a truly devastating experience. In case you ever have the misfortune of being involved with one, this site is a godsend.

2. Misanthropes

It wasn't until years later, when I got involved with another one, that I recognized the first misanthrope I'd dated. At the time, I was extremely young, and I naively thought his Ugh, everyone in the world sucks attitude was cool. That it made him edgy, or emo. That it meant he was sensitive and thoughtful, and sexily jaded/cynical, or that it gave him some kind of intellectual leg up on others. But I've since come to realize it just made him a miserable fucking bastard to be around. Everyone he came into contact with, from work associates to clients to people on the street, was stupid. Everyone was lazy. Everyone was undereducated/greedy/fat/loathesome. Everyone was _____ (whatever criticism he seized upon).

It is exhausting to hear a misanthrope hold forth on how awful people are, or make incessant, nasty, critical, throwaway comments. It's depressing, and I never want to be around it again. Personally, I believe people are inherently good. Or at least, there's good in everyone. Sometimes you just have to take it on faith that it's there, or work a little harder to draw it out. I find men who generally hold their fellow human beings in esteem, not contempt, much more attractive.

3. Self Help/Improvement Gurus

I've never actually been involved with one of these, because they make my skin crawl way too much to get that close. There's something really weird going on with these men, that they feel the need to publicly self-identify as Pursuers of Personal Success (because, no shit Sherlock, aren't we all??). I don't know what it is. A need for validation? Deep-seated insecurity? Both? I just don't trust anyone who takes themselves too seriously, and these people tend to take themselves deathly seriously, and about ridiculous things like sweat lodges, The Secret, and other woo-woo. They're the ultimate social rat-racers, and tend to have eight billion Facebook friends. They use the word "crowdsource" without irony. God, my vagina had to leave the room just so I could type that word.

4. Boys Club Members

Boys Club members, also known simply as "sexists", are a curious holdover in this day and age. They hold deeply treasured, largely outdated ideas about gender roles, even if they're cagey about revealing them. They display a sort of carefully curated machismo and a bros before hos mentality that kicks women a notch or two (or ten) down in the pecking order. They're misogynist and often homophobic. I didn't realize just how often I'd encountered shades of this personality until I had the fortune to get involved with a male feminist. Now that was a sexy motherfucker, seriously. Highly informed about women's issues, extremely sensitive to questions of sexual equality, and just really empathetic to the women in his life, in general. Hot.

5. Name Droppers

It doesn't have be famous person or a celebrity, for it to be a "name" that's "dropped". Name dropping goes on in the most backwoods of towns. It's about puffing one's self up, about self-importance and the need to project an image of power. To me, it represents the polar opposite of the single-most attractive quality a man (hell, a person) can have: humility. And experience has shown me that there's a failsafe algorithm where name dropping is concerned: the more a person emphasizes his big-league connections/contacts, the less influence he actually has. Name droppers have a social (or a professional) Napoleon complex, and it can be cringe inducing to witness.

* Insert disclaimer to the effect of, haha, isn't it rich that Ellie can wax judgmental about the personality flaws of others, because don'tcha know she's just so perfect. Yes, yes. I had to hide my irony meter in the closet to get this post finished. Thing was going off like a train whistle the whole time.