4th and 5th

Update: I published this post, then I pulled it. I'm republishing it, though annotated, lest I feel like a chump for whitewashing my own messy, complicated, but usually pretty decent life.

Yesterday: Malibu. Paradise Cove. Friends of his. Shitty alcohol, good pot, fried food, funny people. Fireworks closer than I've ever seen, reflected in the water.

Today: I'm asked out for a drink, then broken up with, I guess? Sort of unclear. Let's go with yes, I've been broken up with. (Not fair, and not true. I made assumptions, didn't understand what was happening, got melodramatic, overreacted.)

It's OK. It's not a huge surprise. (See above, the bit about being melodramatic.)

I run. I cry. I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life. Who else am I going to lose? Who's next? (Well, that was definitely how I felt.)

I come home and download the Of Mice and Monsters album, which I've had on loop for the past few days, anyway. For every transition, a soundtrack. So, that for this, then. I sync it to my phone and walk Chauc, blasting sound. Dirty Paws. Little Talks. King and Lionheart. And Love Love Love, over and over and over. A thought occurs to me. I come home, go straight to my laptop, and do this:

Life goes on. The world keeps spinning. Hearts get broken, and eventually, healed. A girl takes six weeks to get over a boy, then takes herself to a music festival, and moves on with her life. (A girl is desperate to have something else to think about, too.)

I'm taking the train down to San Diego tomorrow, to see some friends and be distracted for a night or two. I'm still a very lucky girl, even minus one very loveable boy. I have loveable friends, too, who aren't going anywhere. (I didn't go to San Diego.)

Time. Time and the knowledge that I'm amazing and special and lovely (ugh, that didn't hold up to a second reading, so let's just go with "a not horrible human being"), and just like I had no idea this was waiting for me, I have no idea what other amazing things are in store for me down the line.

Revised ending: things had been rocky for a little while leading up to the last two posts. That's it. We're two people who love one another, but who can't seem to get it together, for whatever reasons. We're on the same frustrated, disappointed page, though I can't claim to know completely what he feels, or what he wants. And that's where I'll leave it for now.

I write better when I'm single, anyway. (Sigh. Probably true.)