offensive

I went on one and one half dates with a boy, the second of which was on Thursday. I found him to be stunningly arrogant, entitled, aggressive, misogynist, inconsiderate, egotistical, melodramatic, immature, self-absorbed, and unethical. In fact, I can't remember the last time I found another human being so offensive. I don't know why, but the whole experience has made me a little bit angry. I didn't even spend that much time with him, but I want those hours back. I want my smiles back. I want to rewind the tape and not put on a pretty dress and curl my hair, and be enthusiastic, and proffer compliments, and listen to his stories, and offer opinions, and share a meal, and show him my favorite bar, and sit close to him, and allow him to push me into a kiss I wasn't ready to give. I'm angry at myself for giving those things away.

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There's a phone ringing somewhere, faintly. I can hear it. I can picture it. An old rotary phone, sitting on a small side table, otherwise alone in a room down the hall. It doesn't ring constantly. It rings for a few minutes, then stops. Then rings, then stops. Sometimes it stops for days. I know I could walk down the hall, find it, and answer it, if I wanted to. I know the call is for me. But I'm scared to pick it up. I'm scared to hear what the voice on the other end of the line is going to say to me. I'm scared there might not even be a voice, when I do pick it up - that the line might go dead. That there'll just be me repeating Hello? Hello? until I hear a dial tone and realize there's nothing there.

I'll wait until there's a knock on the door, with a warm, live body on the other side. That call I will answer. 

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There's an app for the iPhone that displays the weather of multiple cities. You can swipe the screen to see how hot or cold it is in Los Angeles, in San Francisco, in Sao Paulo, in Helsinki - wherever you'd like.

That's what depression feels like to me, sometimes. When I wake up, the first thing I do is check my emotional weather. I take stock of my feelings, how low or high I feel. How optimistic and capable, or how overwhelmed and defeated. I swipe the screen, glancing quickly at the different cities in my head: How do I feel about myself? How do I feel about today? How do I feel about yesterday? How much energy do I have for today's challenges, tasks, goals? Where do I stand in my relationships? Do I feel loved? 

I should probably just start the day with some Angry Birds or something.