Me: I think you should come to Target with me, to help test the integrity of dog toys for Chaucer.
(no response for an hour - I've already gone and come home)
H: You do?
Me: Woman, I already went, home now. But what do you think of Chaucer's new cock?
(I send a picture of a squeaky rubber rooster)
H: I'm simultaneously fascinated and terrified. Which, by the way, is my favorite state. ...Are you coming out with us on Halloween?
Me: Absospookly.
H: I am going to be sexy mustard.
Me: Is there any other kind, anyway?
H: Yeah. Chinese mustard.
Me: Can I be Spicy Brown, your sassy condiment black-up?
H: Like...sexy mustard in black face???
Me: Yeah, what could possibly be wrong with that?
H: Oh nothing. Completely innocent. ...I could use a sexy ketchup sidekick.
Me: Ok, but if anyone asks you about "grey poop on", you're on you're own.
H: That's Bryan.
Me: Ahahaha.