bing-fucking-o

Today I found myself in the much-loathed position of having to tell someone about myself. Through email, no less. At least in person I can deflect and change the subject quickly.

I have always sucked at self-marketing. When someone invites me to sell myself to them, in whatever way that manifests, my usual response is to frown, point towards another, prettier package, and say Just buy that one. My warranty's expired and you'd go blind reading the fine print, anyway.

(Which may explain why I have neither a job nor a boyfriend.)

Anyway, re-reading what I wrote, I realized I actually did a pretty decent job of it for once. It's stupidly, almost comically honest, anyway. I should probably add it to my About section. Maybe even print it up in flyers, to give to guys that hit on me. I could put little yellow warning triangles in the corners.

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I'm originally from Michigan, but mostly grew up in Arizona. I was a tomboyish bookworm, which let me hedge my social bets until I got to high school, where my too-long wavering meant I hadn't cultivated any one skill enough to stand out in any one circle. So I kind of just hung back and provided dimension to the successes of my more popular friends for four years. I still do that. I'm a good cheerleader.

I went to a small liberal arts college in Indiana before transferring and graduating from the University of Arizona, with a degree in English composition. I put myself through school waiting tables, cocktailing, and then working as an exotic dancer. Feel free to re-read that last bit, because I'm not being silly. I danced through college and for quite a while afterward, blowing the money mostly on exotic vacations, an expensive apartment, and luxury cars. Still not being silly.

I met my ex-husband in 2007, we married a year later, and lived in Tucson for a year before coming to LA. I created a small online business designing blogs, teaching myself enough HTML and graphic design to make decent money, but nothing I could live off of. We separated in 2010 and subsequently divorced, most probably because [redacted for the privacy of my ex] (you guessed it - still not being silly).

I've spent the past two years battling depression with varying degrees of success, living off the inheritances I received from my parents' deaths (my mom in 2009 and my dad in April), going to music festivals, hanging out with my friends, and generally fucking around aimlessly.

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After I emailed this little bio, I had some misgivings. I wasn't sure whether I'd accurately presented who I am or I'd just fired off of a round of cynical-sounding, self-effacing bullets. So I forwarded a copy to my best friend of 13 years. His reply? "Um, bing-fucking-o."

LOL. I guess we both know me pretty well.