half an enchilada

So, just for the record, I am well aware that there are about four different post series that I've completely dropped the ball on. Seriously lame, I know.

For one thing, I never finished this story, about the guy I had started dating. I think I felt a little uncomfortable talking about it because, among other things, I didn't know where it was going.

Well, it's over now, and in the interest of not being the sort of blogger who perpetually leaves people hanging, I will give an epilogue so that it may rest in peace.

I met a guy and we hit it off great. He told me right off the bat that he has kind of an issue (though I don't know if that's the word he used), that he really enjoys lighthearted, casual relationships, but when things start to get heavy or serious, he pulls away. I appreciated the honesty, and it didn't feel like it was a warning pointed AT me, so I more or less shrugged that off. Plus, it seemed very obvious that we had tons in common, so I think some part of me narcissistically felt like I'd be the exception to this rule. Also, the more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that I should be in something super casual right now, so that I can focus on other areas of my life that need work. And I gave him a small speech or two about how I really like my space and independence, too, so it's perfect you're like that, and so on. At one point we were talking about relationships, and when I said that I hadn't ever particularly enjoyed the title "wife", he said he doesn't even like being called or considered a boyfriend.

So there was that sort of dialogue going on.

We saw one another about half a dozen times or so, having a blast each time. But other than making plans to get together about once a week, we had next to no contact. And it was weird, because one minute I'd actually like that I felt very free to do my own thing, but still had someone to maybe be with in a way. And then the next, I'd be sitting around chewing my fingernails, wondering why he wasn't showing more interest, why he didn't want to talk more, and why he generally didn't seem to want to get to know me more.

Eventually, the second feeling started to outweigh the first. And when it started to be really uncomfortable for me, like hurt-feelings type uncomfortable, I pretty much threw up a stop sign. I was all, Look, this is clearly just a sex thing for you, and that's cool if that's your thing, you do you, but I'm on a fast track to Painsville here, and I need to get off this train.

And he was all, No, it's NOT just a sex thing, I like everything about you, I love hanging out with you, you're amazing, a really rare breed, we mesh unbelievably well, best sex ever, but I don't know where I'm at, what I want, etc. So I was all, Ok, I understand that, and I felt better, because who wouldn't after hearing that they're amazing and rare and the best sex partner ever, and so on?

So we saw one another again. And it was awesome, again.

But then again, we had basically no contact afterward, and again, I was scared to initiate it, lest I crowd him or something. And when it came time to make plans to get together again, he was just extremely blase and flaky about making time to see me. So then I really threw up my hands and was all, Ok, fuck this, no hard feelings, but I'd rather wait and spend my time with someone who is truly interested and will show it.  And we argued briefly, but ultimately agreed, to our disappointment, that we're on different pages. It came down to him saying "I can't give you what you want; I told you I was weird in relationships" and me saying "Ok, well, I believe 'being weird in relationships' is a choice you make, and can choose not to make". I didn't really have hard feelings, I was just bummed out. But we said goodbye amicably.

And that was that. And that was a couple of weeks ago. And so I thought it was over, and made an effort to reorient myself to being open to the Next Possible Thing.

Then he texted me out of the blue on Friday night while I was out, and also called me, too, which got me all excited and thinking, Oh, cool, he's thought it through and realizes I'm worth putting a little effort into, yay! And I spent the next two days being optimistic, but starting to wonder if that was maybe just drunk texting/drunk dialing. And when I hadn't heard from him by today, I reached out to ask, Um, so what was that Friday night? Do you want to see me again, or...?

And he was all, Of course I do!

But not to get serious.

And I was walking Chaucer when that text came, which hit me like a bowling ball in the belly, because basically it felt like I was being told, Hey, don't expect intimacy or progression or commitment from me, the guy you really like, ever.

But, dumbass that I am, I made Chaucer stop and wait while I sat down on a planter and answered back, Oh, totally! Nothing serious! I agree. Let's just have fun! or something along those lines, because I think somewhere in the back of my head, I thought I could somehow, some day, convince this person that I'm worth a whole, healthy relationship, and that I'm also cool enough and chill enough to just have sex with someone and not get attached.


After that I texted my friend Mason with a screenshot of the exchange and was all, I think there's something seriously wrong with me, and he was all, If you and I were in a band, we'd be called The Doormats, and it went from there, with him reminding me that I'm awesome and beautiful and I don't need to settle for half an enchilada.

So after getting built back up by my friend, I texted the guy and said basically, I know myself, and I know I'll just get hurt. I don't want to be in a relationship that's already been predetermined to be forever casual. So thanks but no thanks, and also maybe please delete my number so that you don't drunk text me and get my hopes up again.

And, again, we ended it amicably, but this time presumably for good, because I've been deleted as a contact and am no longer on Horny Dial.

And I know I did the right thing, the self-respecting thing, but I still feel sad and disappointed and a little bit angry at myself, because he really was clear and upfront about his limitations and limited interest, and I refused to see it, because I didn't want to.

Also, I think I need to do some thinking, because the fact that in some ways, I was enjoying having a lot of space/freedom, maybe suggests that I have some emotional unavailability of my own going on? I don't know.