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Five Reasons That, As A Blogger, I'd Totes Want to Date Me

1. This blog is one big operating manual. Right off the bat, you've got the handbook. I'm upfront about my specifications. You can see my hardware (and my software, waka-waka) for yourself, as well as where you may need to troubleshoot down the line. And I don't try to hide my provenance.

2. You have the key to my diary. If we have a breakdown in communication and you're wondering where my head is at, bring up my blog. Chances are there's some weird little story about rocks or feathers or whatever that, if you use your Sooper Special Ellie Decoder Ring*, will let you know what's on my mind, and maybe even give you an opening to ask what's up. I recommend starting with, Darling, I read your brilliant, funny post today, and I'm sensing some subtext about how I've been a jerk lately, an assessment with which I wholly agree. Why I don't I bring you a chocolate croissant and we can talk about it?

3. You get to be a muse. Maybe I'm crazy, but I would be flattered if someone cared enough to write about me, even in vague terms. Hell, even in negative terms. It's like the Bright Eyes line:

If you stay too long inside my memory / I will trap you in a song tied to a melody / And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me. 

(Sorry, just give me a moment to ponder what it would be like to be Conor Oberst's muse............mmmmm...................almost done............................little bit more...........................ok.)

If you're kind to me, my pen will be kind to you. If not, well... Being the penis man in my life, you get to be the thing that inspires me to do the thing that makes me happiest: write. And I dunno, but I think that's pretty cool.

4. It would be impossible for me to cheat. At any given time, I'm usually bleating away on one or another social networks about where I am and what I'm doing. Instagram is just one big visual bread crumb trail of my adventures. I couldn't hide if I wanted to.

5. After it's over, you can watch the trainwreck continue from the safety of whatever form of ICU you're recovering in. I may also start throwing in a free "I Survived Ellie and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" shirt. Although hoodies would be better for helping to hide those swollen-from-crying eyes...

postscript: For the love of god, please file this under silly lolz. Among other things not to take seriously: the last impression I want to give is that I think doods should be chasing me around asking what's wrong, because I'm one hundred percent about being direct and honest. Just playing here, because despite all my efforts towards all that great stuff I said in the last sentence, there's probably a grain of truth in #2, anyway. Also, I do not objectify/trivialize whatever guy I'm dating as the "penis in my life". That's just a phrase I stole recently from a girlfriend, and am still sort of loving. 

* To obtain your SSEDR, you'll need to provide a non-refundable deposit of one (1) heart and one (1) soul.