(This is the level of comedy you get, as one of my friends. Pick up your application at the post office.)
Context, part the second: I want to be delicate here, but the fact is, there've been a few guys lately expressing some interest in/paying some attention to me, in one fashion or another. And that, like, never happens. For real. So that's been the topic of some recent conversations with M. And I do not mean to even REMOTELY imply that there's some line around the block, but there has been a 300% (give or take) increase in the amount of Presumably Available Dudes Somewhat Into Ellie over the past few weeks. Anyway, that's context, part the second.
Context, part the third: I've been making pasta sauce with some frequency* lately.
So tonight, I'm just putzing around cleaning, cooking, not writing Coachella recaps - stuff like that, when M. texts.
M: So who did you spin the wheel and go on a date with tonight?
Me: Oh, you got jokes? That's very funneigh.
M: HAHAHAHA
Me: This is my date tonight: (I take and send a pic of a bubbling saute pan on my stove, and the cutting board beside it.) ...THAT'S FRESH BASIL, BITCH.
M: Why don't you branch out, Bataleigh?
Me: LOLOLOL ...IT'S CALLED RECIPE MASTERY**, OK? ...We only move on once when we've perfected.
M: That's why I had pop tarts earlier. ....I'm officially over [my ex] btw. She's sitting twenty feet away from me, might as well be my mom.
Me: She's with what's his ugly?
M: Yeah, laughing it up like he's Chris Rock.
Me: Ugh. Are they showing off for you?
M: Yes. Total peacocking.
Me: Children.
M: I realize why I'm in love with my new haircut, btw.
Me: Oh?
M: The lady CHANGED my hairline. (Blogmistress's note: the only thing wrong with M.'s hairline is that, regarding the status of his hairline, his head - and therefore said hairline - is totally up his ass.)
Me: Like, brought it forward with her artful shearing?***
M: Yes!! It's like a face lift.
Me: Dude, I want one. ...Does she do asses?
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* Twice weekly, possibly more.
** Not the reference some of you might think it is! The phrase just fit. Seriously.
*** "Artful Shearing" is also the name of my as-yet unsigned ska band.