25 thoughts closer to sleep

1. It's almost six a.m. Chaucer is snoring beside me, and the city is waking up.
2. Sometimes the desire to write is so strong it's intoxicating, like the anticipation of a kiss. Sometimes I like to just hold onto that feeling for several minutes while I stare at a blank page and consider the different things I could write about.
3. I like thinking in lists, like this. Bit stream of consciousness. Maybe I'll make it a "feature."
4. I always feel ridiculous using the term "feature", when talking about my blog.
5. Another "feature" I think about starting is something I'd call "sticky moments." Tiny snippets of conversation, or scenes from my day, or memories that for whatever reason have stayed with me, and are asking to be written about.
6. I just anthropomorphized my own writing. I'm sorry.
7. Sometimes I wonder what percentage of the 6 million blogs on the internet are written by former English majors.
8. Geographer is playing this weekend at The Getty Center, and I very much wish I had a date to take me.
9. My You are now running on reserve battery power warning just popped up. I get really panicky when that happens, like I'm going to lose everything I've ever written.
10. I've read Allie Brosh's latest post about a dozen times. Her bit about the dead fish is the perfect metaphor for my own experience of depression. When I saw the panel of her in the stained grey hoodie, slumped on the couch, I found out that you really can lolsob. That's been me much more often than you'd think by looking at #lobbyellie.
11. Chaucer has taken to randomly approaching (in a friendly way) men my age that we pass on the street. Just men. Not women. I don't really stop him, because I find it hilarious and fascinating.
12. Sometimes I miss having a pet house rabbit. The smell of hay was so delicious, and having a tiny bunny jump into bed to cuddle against you is like nothing else.
13. It's hard to be friends with an ex-boyfriend unless, before you fell in love with him, you had a baseline of genuine friendship that you can then return to.
14. This past Saturday night, I met and had drinks with a finalist from a reality show I used to be obsessed with. One of my favorite seasons of the show, too.
15. The idea that anyone would be jealous of me makes me extremely uncomfortable. I think because deep down I feel myself to be very undeserving of my blessings.
16. There are some small little organizational touches I've added to my apartment that I am inordinately proud of, but I would feel silly blogging about them.
17. I've realized that the only people I'm truly envious of are also those who deeply inspire me, because what I want of theirs isn't stuff, or money - it's talent and education and creativity: things I can cultivate and achieve and work for myself, if I choose. So the envy and inspiration co-mingle in this bittersweet mixture that I never know quite what to do with.
18. Ataulfo mangos are my absolute favorite fruit. I could eat them by the case.
19. Sometimes it makes me sad that my marriage ended, but then I think about all the personal growth I've experienced because of it. I wish I was better at remembering the strengths I've gained, and forgiving my failures.
20. There is nothing to me quite like curling up against strong male shoulders.
21. I confessed to a friend lately that my dad wasn't as wonderful as I sometimes think of him being, now that he's gone. Phantom love, I called it. Creating a perfect ghost in lieu of an imperfect person. The friend said, "Yeah, but isn't that the reward they get, for having died? That they get to be built up better in our memories?" I think that's fair.
22. Chaucer has callouses on his elbows, from laying on the ground. It's nothing bad; lots of big dogs get them. I call them his professor patches.
23. Overcast and dreary weather days make me happier than sunshine. I should probably move.
24. I try to think of my media consumption in terms of curation. I like the idea that I can "curate" my experience of it, like a gallery owner collecting pieces that please her, and trading off those that don't. I find that thought empowering, when I start to feel addicted to toxic, time-wasting stuff.
25. In some ways, you guys know me better than my meatspace friends.