This is what happens when you're trapped in your shoe box of convalescence, in the middle of a heat wave, with nothing to do but browse lost pet websites while you wait for your (car owning and fully ambulatory) neighbor to get home so she can take the stray you took in for a microchip scan.


 - Thank you for calling the Burke Williams appointment line, how may I assist you today?

- Yes, hello. I'd like to schedule a de-algaefication treatment, shell exfoliation, and possibly a facial? I'm experiencing some symptoms of rosacea, though it may just be stress. I recently had to do some unexpected traveling. 

- I'd be happy to set those up for you. Can I get your last name, please?

- Sandwich.

- I'm sorry, would you mind spelling that for me?

- Of course. 'S' as in salmonella, 'A' as in aquarium, 'N' as in nearly, 'D' as in dead, 'W' as in wandering, 'I' as in intrepid, 'C' as cold-blooded, 'H' as in hatch. 

- And Ms. Sandwich, when would you like to come in? 

- I can probably get there by the fifth, if I leave now.

- The fifth of September?

- Yes. Two thousand fourteen.

- Okay, we've got you down for those services. Is there anything else I can help you with?

- Just curious, do you offer a bale discount? A girlfriend of mine is getting married and I'd love to bring the webbing party in for a spa day.

- We do have a fall molting special, but I'm afraid it doesn't apply to snapping turtles.

- Understandable. Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for your help.

- Thank you for calling Burke Williams! We look forward to seeing you next year.