a simple formula for determining the age-appropriateness of any outfit


= your age

H = hem length, in inches

h = heel height, in inches

= amount of cleavage showing, in cleavots*

s = slutshine**

b = no. of children (your own, birthed or adopted)

k = no. of children (attending the event in question)

f = no. of fucks given


= 3 or less: Even your mother-in-law would approve. 
A = 4-7: It's iffy, but what the fuck. YOLO or something. Just don't Instagram it.
A = 10 or greater: Time to go shopping!


* 1 cleavot = 1 square inch of skin

** slutshine factor may be determined by the glare intensity of any given fabric and is based on a scale of 1-10 (for reference, sateen = 2; charmeuse = 5; sequins = 9)