fuck yeah, garland, in nineteen easy steps

Do you find yourself with extra time on your hands this holiday season? Are you casting about for things to do on these long, lazy winter evenings?

Well it's your lucky day because tonight I'm sharing my awesome Fuck Yeah, Garland tutorial, guaranteed to kill at least an hour. Two if you drink your way through it. Ready??

1. Purchase several bags of the most adorable needle felted, multicolor mini pom poms you can find. What's that? Needle felting is so 2005? Fuck you. Whimsy has no expiration date. Never mind buying in bulk online, there is nothing twee about saving money. Try to find the small, expensive bags of pom poms sold in art supply stores or interior design boutiques. Lose receipt immediately upon purchase.

2. Shove pom poms in a drawer and forget about them for 1-2 years. 

3. Retrieve pom poms and place in a highly visible area of your home (for instance the key tray or your refrigerator's vegetable crisper). Avoid studiously for 2-3 weeks.

4. Empty bags onto a clean, smooth surface such as your dining table or desk, which probably has plenty of room because it isn't covered by, say, several coffee-stained pages from the manuscript of your first novel.

5. Sort by color and/or size, like so:

fuck yeah garland


6. Stop and congratulate yourself on how fucking twee this vignette is. Instagram that shit, immediately. Go on, I'll wait. 

7. Here's where it gets tricky! In order to evenly distribute the various size pom poms throughout the garland, you'll need to do some math to determine placement. Do this math.

8. Line pom poms up accordingly, like so:

muppet free castration clinic


9. Find some thread somewhere. What do you mean you don't have thread? You're a grown ass woman, how you can you not even have a basic sewing kit?? No, dental floss isn't going to work Ellie. Well it probably would but Jesus Christ.

10. Run to Rite Aid for a sewing kit. 

11. Now for the fun part - threading the garland!

12. Okay well first you have to thread the needle, lol. 

13. Shit. Is your boyfriend or anyone with better eyesight around? No?

14. That's okay. You can do this. It's not like the ability to thread a needle is some test of your vitality or whatever, haha. If you fail it doesn't mean you're like...old...

15. Thread the needle. Oh, almost. Try again. So close! Okay well that wasn't close at all. Probably put the wine down until you're done with this step. Are you sure you don't need contacts? I mean I know you wear glasses for reading and night driving but maybe you should consider--okay okay, I'll shut up. Did you get it yet? Try cutting it and licking the end. Stop cursing. Stop cursing in French, you're not even pronouncing the words right. 

16. HOLY SHIT YOU DID IT.

17. Knot one end of the thread neatly with some kind of fancy, non-fraying knot. Maybe there's a YouTube video or something.

18. Thread garland.

19. Sit back and admire your handiwork!



Don't forget to share your creation with friends, who'll probably be too impressed/jealous to offer the praise it merits.


---

**IMPORTANT**

  • Fuck Yeah, Garland is not intended for children, adults with self-respect, or dogs. 
  • Fuck Yeah, Garland is not machine washable.  
  • Fuck Yeah, Garland is for external use only. 
  • If Fuck Yeah, Garland comes apart during use, probably just call the cat over and let it go to town.