you scratch your back, I'll scratch your back

Me: "Listen kid, I'm just gonna give it to you straight. You can't have the toys until you wear the sweater."

Chaucer: "...."

Me: "I know, I know. It's pretty bad. Look, I don't make the rules, okay? I just play by them. I'm a blogger. I have certain expectations to meet. And you, well, you're the youngest, cutest thing living in my home. Which means it falls on you to wear something ridiculous and be paraded around in front of strangers for their amusement and my gratification. Do you understand?"

Chaucer: "...."

Me: "Alright listen, just five minutes. Just long enough to take a few snapshots. But they need to be quality shots, no horsing around making them blurry or we're gonna have to do them again. Then you can go to sleep, forget all about it, and in the morning you'll have a boatload of brand new stuffies to destroy."

Chaucer: "...."

Me: "Thanks, buddy. You're the best."


"Yo, T. You see what's she's doing to me, bro? Help me out here, man. This isn't cool."

"Is she done? Tell me when she's done. I can't even look at her right now."

"What sweater?"


No, I did not actually go out and buy that thing. Terence had an ugly sweater party to attend, and this was the funniest and cheapest option he found. (It won the contest, too.) I'm pretty sure the only reason Chaucer let me wrangle him into it was that it smelled like his BroDog.

Chaucer's 2014 Christmas Haul and toys' current states of repair:

1 Kong Wubba (intact)
1 8/10 TuffScale medium-sized Tuffy Brand pig (intact)
1 stuffing-free squeaky fox (seams ripped and squeakers crushed)
1 small teddy bear (eyes torn out within five minutes)
1 plush Viking Duck (helmet stitching breached, stuffing partially removed)

He's on break from chewy toys since he absolutely demolishes them (Mastiffs have the strongest bite force of all domestic dogs), working them down to tiny bits that he then ingests. No bueno.


My First Hosted Christmas was a smashed smashing success about which I shall post forthwith! Hope all who celebrate the day had a great one.