chocolatey

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Did you know that if you drink enough Red Bull, you lose the ability to cry? It's true; I've been doing the research. Depending on your body weight and capacity for self-pity, ~24 oz of this fizzy energy beverage is enough to temporarily shut down that most bothersome of emotional responses. Red Bull: Gives You Wings and Takes Your Sads.

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The following is a list of the three changes currently taking place in my life. I've written this dumb, formal list because compiling them into some kind of casual update is impossible. Each is too hilariously huge and overwhelming on its own. So here goes.

1. Terence and I broke up.

What is there to say about this. Well, there is everything and there is nothing. Why do any two people break up? Because they are wrong for each other. Terence is wrong for me. I am wrong for Terence. But, but Ellie! you say. You guys were so, so, you know! And the festivals, and the concerts, and the pictures and silly videos, and Chaucer, and and...

Yes, well.

We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of really crazy, good times. We did.

But shared interests do not equal shared values. And our personalities are diametrically opposed, which is a thing I have hinted at or outright said many times. But you can't imagine how bad it got. We are so, so different. And those differences chafed and snagged, and we developed huge, long-running issues that bled like ulcers which would never heal. I don't know what else to say. We have only this one life.

We are still living together, for the time being. We are locked in a lease and while Terence wants to break it, I'm unable to do that right now.  So it is...sort of surreal, in this home we share. The atmosphere is a weird amalgam of sadness, tension, occasional anger, pointed politeness, pregnant silences, hurt feelings and brave faces. Very little crying, thanks to Red Bull, though today I collapsed in a heap, sliding down the refrigerator door when a certain song came up on my playlist. Honestly though, crying just feels grossly indulgent anyway. Like a slice of rich chocolate cake I can't afford, for many reasons.

Chaucer, of course, is the ultimate casualty in all of this. If I start to think about what it's going to do to him, when we finally make the physical split...well, let's just say that's a whole motherfucking ganache torte I can't go anywhere near right now.

2. I'm starting a business.

Once it's up and going I'll happily share the details, but until then I'd prefer to keep relatively mum.

It's based on a personal project I did over a year ago. Something that when I showed it to my friends, they were like "Ummm, I want you to do that for me. In fact, you could probably make a business out of doing that." And after that lightbulb moment, I spent months and months procrastinating, ruminating on whether it could work, and how, and if it could be profitable. Finally, I got my shit together and started compiling the materials I'd need. Started learning the technical skills I'd have to have.

There is a lot of technical stuff to master, in fact. That's what scared me off for so long. But also tons of, like, engineering challenges? That problem solving aspect has been the funnest part; that's what I always liked most about Rainy Day Templates, after all. Coming up with small but useful innovations to improve a product.

But the very best part is the philosophy behind the business, which is about empowering other people to be creative. And to be smarter with their time and money. Can you tell I'm excited?

Anyway, that's where I've been lately. Pouring myself completely into that. Not just because it's a welcome distraction from the breakup but because people are counting on me. My friends are faithfully waiting for me to make good on all my talk, and Terence is understandably anxious for us to go our separate ways. I can't do that until this is a viable source of income, so I've put aside everything else in the meantime. Haven't blogged. Haven't picked up a book. Haven't worked out. Unsubscribed from every single event/concert/festival mailing list so I won't be tempted to go futz around. Living on caffeine and taurine and sugar. Working nearly nonstop, because it's the right thing to do.

Thankfully much of the equipment I need can be found right downtown; the fashion and jewelry districts have been goldmines. I've been shown kindness and support by local business owners helping me out with free or cheap materials, and a handy friend of mine has spent hours helping me modify something with his array of power tools and arsenal of glue. (Is it dishonest to exclude the detail that the friend is an ex-boyfriend? I don't know, but there you have it. Life is funny, but not haha funny.)

It's been a very humbling experience so far, is what I'm trying to say.

Tonight I finished cobbling together a barebones Squarespace and while at first I was really pleased with it, then I went sniffing around all those beautiful branding and design boutiques and now I'm jonesing bad. I'm torn because I know a simple site will suffice, particularly as there appears to be zero competition for the service I'm going to provide...but I'd love to go banging all-in with some gorgeous marketing right to start. So I dunno.

3. Kerry is finally moving. She leaves today.

I am so thrilled for her, so impressed by all she's accomplished that's led to her promotion in SF...but I am selfishly heartbroken for myself. She and Ross have been such good friends to me for four years now. I can't write much more without losing it. And I can't afford to lose it right now; there is too much to do.