spring thing

In the past couple of weeks, four different people with whom I haven't spoken in a long time have sent me messages. None of them read my blog, so my reemergence here has nothing to do with it. It's just funny timing, I guess.

Three of these people sent the tiniest, friendliest of communiques. I doubt we'll reconnect in any real way, and that's understandable - too much time, too much mileage, too much life has come between us. Still, it's nice to be thought of, and sent these random pings. They feel like warm little waves rippling in from distant shores.

And then tonight, I heard from someone very special to me, whom I have missed terribly. A text that was both an acknowledgement of the space between us and an invitation to close that gap. And that - that was like the sun breaking over the ocean itself. 

And if that sounds dramatic, it is, because the few friends I have mean everything to me. They are the closest thing I have to family. Unfortunately, the great tragedy of my life is that despite loving so fiercely and with the whole of my heart - I am still a master at pushing people away. At failing them, and hurting them. Half the time I don't even have to try. I'm a natural. 

When I got that message tonight my inner monologue was like, Oh. Maybe you are not so horrible after all. Which I know betrays a rather sickly sense of self. But there it is. Maybe you are not so horrible after all, because someone you respect and love misses you.

And so just in time for Spring, here I've got this perfect emotional manifestation of the season. Something delicate that wants to push through, and can, with the right nurturing. Something that already has all the requisite genetic coding, and only needs renewal and rebirth. A very Spring thing indeed.

Just funny timing, I guess.