unsure

Hi hello. Woo boy have I had a week (+), which felt more like a month. Things that happened in the past 10 days:

1. My head chef threw his back out, so I lost my "weekend" to work. Hence no bloggy time, sorrys.

2. My head chef quit.

3. My previous head chef, laid off when the DTLA store closed, agreed to come back to work at the WeHo store.

4. I had a date.

5. I put an employee under suspension and he responded with super offensive (but hilarious) texts to my phone. Absolute HR madness. 

6. Some awesome new-to-me music + LA's new case count dropping to <1k/day has me feeling super, super stoked on life rn. 

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I know only one of those items is of interest to you, though, so I'll spare you expanded details about all but item 5. 

Um so yeah! A date! A friend of four years with whom I've always had chemistry but "never an opportunity" type-deal. He's never been far out of my life, always periodically checking in to say hello or stopping by my work to do the same. Super good vibes and laughs, always. 

He called me out of the blue when I was getting on the subway about a month ago. Calls are rare for us though so I answered with "I'm going to be so bummed if this is a butt dial." Big laugh from him, because it wasn't. Cut to us making tentative plans to hang out, go for a hike, something, whatever, because both of our pandemic bubbles have shriveled up to almost nothing and we wanted to connect, being humans and all.

Lots of back and forth'ing and postponing ensued. He traveled, wanted to quarantine; work was sapping all my free time. He flaked once for recording/producing time (he's a musician who basically spends every spare minute in the studio); I flaked because I felt unsure about getting together.

Because I have gone through some serious shit, romantically, the past few years. Because I am jaded and scared and do not know how to process men that are, like, actually available. Because I don't really know where I'm at other than I've been doing exceptionally well, the past few months, being 100% focused on me and my goals.

Anyway, we got togther.

So this person absolutely crushes, across the board, in terms of Things Ellie Wants and Likes. We're talking the full range of superficial shit to straight-up values and character traits. And it has been confusing as fuck! 

Fun (?) fact: I have three extremely superficial and stupid "things" that, aside from all the very, very important compatibility factors like COMMUNICATION and BASIC CONSIDERATION are my "things" about guys: 1. hair, 2. name, 3. voice. I know this is terrible and so shallow, but there you are. Well, this person scores 10/10 on all three. So that's cool! He literally has the best name of any guy I've ever been with, like top three men's names of all time, and that is an unbelievably dumb thing to be into, but there you go. 

Also: he is deeply solicitous and interested in my creative life. He asks serious, probing questions in an effort to get to know someone. He listens. He has strong opinions and is driven. He's athletic and creative and knows exactly how to take care of himself and achieve his goals. He loves all the same music as me. He loves all the same drugs as me. He is blonde and strong and ridiculously handsome and laughs all the time, and he thinks the fact that I know hundreds of $5 words is adorable. In fact all night when we were together every few minutes he'd yell "Word!" and I would dispense a new, crazy word along with its spelling and definition, like abyssopelagic or brontology or astrobleme, and my voice would get all high like I was a teenager in a spelling bee and it was a riot but also hot? IDK.

(I also recited the Dickinson and Gerard Manley Hopkins poems I have memorized, which is the weirdest foreplay ever I know, but welcome to dating me!)

And that's where I have to leave it. Because I have been unsure about entering into the space he's been inviting me into, since that night. So unsure in fact that I ghosted on him for a few days because I didn't know how to tell him that all of his attention and interest was so alien and weird that I needed it to stop. And I don't want him to have to change one single thing about himself to make me feel better, just because I am a damaged weirdo. So I pulled away, and that is where it has been left, because I don't want to string him along while I "figure my shit out". 

But I am unsure. 

p.s.  He is a fucking Libra. Because of course.