this moment, surely

Okay, you maniacs. I can practically hear you from here, drumming your fingers, wondering if you're going to get an update. Fine. Here's your update. 

I'm not so unsure anymore. I've seen him again, only once and very briefly. And I need to take it super, duper, duper slow. But the un- is sliding away from the -sure. 

I don't know what I expected when I pulled back on him, but it wasn't what I got. What I got was warmth and understanding. What I got was him pulling back too - at first. But then I got a version of Okay so look, I know that this is literally the opposite of what you want to hear right now, but I haven't stopped thinking about you since Tuesday, sorry not sorry

And it's pretty tough to resist someone telling you they haven't stopped thinking about you. 10/10 would definitely recommend. And so we picked up the thread again, with casual talk and oh hey, you should hear this song type stuff. 

But more than the compliment of his interest, it was his tone that did it for me. He came at me with this incredibly gentle and chill but confident energy. Like truly, he could take me or leave me, and if I said leave he would still be his positive, naturally happy self rambling on through life - but if I said take he was down. Like so fucking down in fact.

And something about his patience with me despite being flip-floppy and flaky communicated a maturity and kindness that, frankly, really fucking turned me on. Also, the music he sent me was bullseye perfect. Heel, meet Achilles.

Anyway one night I was walking home and he sent a track for me to check out. Make sure you look at the moon tonight, he added. I told him I was about to have a full hour and a half walking under the moon so sure, will do.

Next thing I know he's offering to come walk me home. And I'm like, No. No way. It's 11pm. You're nuts. And he was like Don't care. Wanna see you. And I was like, I gotta go straight home though. Have to be back at work early. And he was like, I'll bounce when we get to the train.

And all of that warm inviting wanting energy was pretty irresistible, and I figured Okay, his studio is in Hollywood, I guess if he comes down Highland it's a straight enough shot...

So I accepted his offer. Where are you now? he asked. I told him I was walking east down 3rd. That I'd hit Highland in 20 minutes. 3rd and Highland in 20 minutes, he said. On it. 

And now we're getting to the good part, which is my good feelings. Because the minute I knew I was going to see him, despite my having been at work for 9+ hours, totally wrecked and tired, not a drop of makeup on me, no hairbrush in sight and no cute clothes to change into - I just had a really, really good feeling about it. 

And I didn't stress about how I looked at this hour, after a long work day. I just put my music back on and smiled at the loveliness of a boy getting on his bicycle to come walk a girl home in the moonlight. And I felt myself warming up to him, more every moment, warming up to the sweetness on the surface and the more urgent desire underneath. And by the time I texted and told him I was cutting south, to meet me at 4th, I was so fucking ready to see him and show him how much I appreciated what he was putting out there for me.

And I sat on the curb in the cold - the cold that I love so much - on the corner of 4th and Highland, right at the start of Hancock Park. And I played Sultan + Shepard and waited, envisioning exactly how I was going to immediately grab his collar and pull him to me and kiss him. I didn't have the bike part figured out, the bike was going to be in the way for sure - I only knew I wanted us to be still and quiet under the moon as we moved into this moment, surely. 

And he rolled up so fucking fast, faster on his white road bike than would be safe if it hadn't been 11:30pm, laughing at the sight of me sitting on the sidewalk in my hoodie under the street light. And yes the dumb bike was momentarily in the way, but I pointed at it and said "Move that" and he laughed and swung it lightly up across the sidewalk and leaned it against a tree. And I saw then how much his bike is a part of him, a piece of his physicality that he moves with grace and easy familiarity - and it was hot. It was a simple thing, this unconscious, subtle hint of his athleticism - but it was hot.

And I got the kiss I wanted. I pushed against him and breathed him in and though he's rarely quiet - he is bright and light and bold like a lightning bolt - he got quiet, too. And for minute, I started to show him how I need to be touched, in a moment like that. How held, how kissed. And he started to see. 

And then we walked, and laughed, and talked about daily things from our lives that were happening. And it was just a short time together, because right now we're both in a hustle hard part of our lives -- but he made time for me. And he didn't just shoot over from Hollywood, either, because he hadn't been at his studio. He'd been home in bed, further away than Hollywood. He'd gotten out of bed to come walk me and his bicycle through Hancock Park, in the winter, in the middle of the night. 

So now maybe you're getting a sense of why this is someone to be less unsure about. And I am getting a sense, too.