fucking blah

Hi hello, greetings from the hellscape that is my mind tonight. I haven't been this low in a long time, and I know it's temporary, but holy fuck. We're talking a ten car pileup of anxiety and sadness, and I'm sorry, but there are no emergency services available at this time. Please try your call again later. 

Things are good. Things are objectively good. Got my second dose yesterday. Filed my taxes today. About to level up with a de facto promotion. Adulting like a motherfucker. But also, feeling frustrated and semi-hopeless, like everything I'm working towards, everything I want, hasn't gotten any closer.

Frustrated by having to pay out $$$ in taxes and tax-preparation fees. Frustrated by a lack of communication at my work. I'm not getting a lot of direction on what's coming next, and I don't know if it's because no one actually knows, or because I'm being tested, like Just figure it out, Ellie. Frustrated that despite California now having the lowest positivity rate in the country, normalcy is still months away. Missing my friends so bad. Cameron always spends long weekends with his boyfriend - unavailable. Brent just started a massive new job last week and is working nonstop - unavailable. Erin has her hands full with her new job, new house, and new city - unavailable. Steve is going through some shit - unavailable. We're checking in on one another as we can, but it's just a time when everyone has to buckle down and take care of themselves. Meanwhile all I want to do is lay on the living room floor with someone and listen to music and talk and laugh and feel connected and warm. 

This might all just be a physical thing. The second vaccine dose has absolutely knocked me on my ass. Walking home last night I got hit with a fever and chills, and I spent most of today trying to sleep off a headache. I never get sick - like, ever - so my coping skills are nil. I feel tremendously resentful at losing one of my precious days off to having no energy, no spirit, no inspiration.

Fucking blah.