tuesday truths

It's been a weird twelve hours. Last night, my first "weekend" night, ended on a downbeat. Sometimes free time is the worst thing for me. Free time is where all of my unresolved shit hides, just waiting to pounce. And it found me last night, kicked me around a bit. Kicked me straight to sleep, in fact.

But then I woke up today in a seizure of optimism and positivity. It's like I fell asleep with a certain familiar feeling in my hand, sure of its weight and shape. But this morning when I opened my eyes and unclenched my fist, what I was holding was something else. It looked and felt different. I felt like I'd been duped.

All of this has left me feeling a little whoaaa, because ffs it's my weekend, and I just want to relax and catch up with friends and be creative and enjoy my lovely loft. I want to reset for another week and not be in my head too much. On top of that it's 4.20, which means it's my annual celebration of dumping all the weed addicts in my past (seriously, every hardcore stoner I've ever gotten close to has turned out to be a ragingly selfish asshole, and that's male and female) - I will be enjoying some *real* drugs later today. 

So, six thoughts on this Tuesday.

1. I am doing pretty okay. Last week I had a zoom call with our HR person, who knows I'm pulling insane hours right now, overseeing two stores, one of which I had a week to prepare for a relaunch of and the other of which lost a head chef, two line cooks, and a FOH person in the span of three days. Good times. Anyway, I can't remember the first part of what she said, something like "You're doing great" or whatever, but the second bit was "Everyone sees it." That landed, in the best way. It's been my mantra all week. Everyone sees it. 

2. I didn't think I could find any more room for music in my life. I didn't think I could make a bigger space for it than it already occupied. But I have, and that's been an amazing surprise. I didn't use to be able to listen to music while I write - I can now, and I love it so much. I didn't use to want to listen to music as I fell asleep - I do now, and it's a new source of comfort and joy. 

3. It's dawning on me that the Imposter Syndrome that has plagued me for years re: my job -- it's fading away. I really do know what the hell I'm doing. And I really do it well. And I know now that I really could move away, do what I'm doing somewhere else, if I wanted to. Everything I've learned can come with me. The past five years haven't been for nothing, and while I would be nervous to try something new somewhere new, I wouldn't be terrified. I would be confident. That's fucking massive for me. 

4. I'm seeing myself differently in other ways, too. I'm starting to understand and accept that pieces of my character are worth something. That they're actually rather rare and precious. I know that sounds gross and egotistical. Trust me when I say my ego is well in check. It's just that I'm starting to finally appreciate what I have to offer, in friendships and relationships, whereas before I just felt like I was tricking everyone into loving me. It's like being inside a darkened church with stained glass windows. The windows were always there, panels of color that without light on them look muted and indistinct. But then the sun hits and they come to life. And you're like Oh wow okay, that's kind of pretty

5. It is okay to say no to people I don't like. It's okay to not like everyone. It's okay to drop out of friendships that are one sided and draining to maintain. It's okay to say no to second dates. It's okay to listen to my gut when someone strikes me as controlling, or terminally defensive, or humorless and dull. 

6. Day-off naps are good for me. They are the hardest thing ever, because I treasure my two days off so much and want to cram them full of ALL THE THINGS, and naps feel like such a waste of time. But sometimes my overworked brain and happy little heart just need more sleep, so they can process and keep forever all that I am learning and loving and experiencing. It is okay to let the world tick by for a little while, so that the world inside me stays strong and safe.