Using my last remaining hours of internet to get out some thoughts. 

It's been a day. There was major fuckery with the moving company and after that I spent most of the afternoon boxing clothes to FedEx myself. Multiple bus trips to do that. I also had to scramble to deal (again) with the birth certificate issue for my work, and part of that entailed calling the county clerk's office of the tiny town I grew up in. Steve helped me with that, which was lifesaving. And now it should finally be settled.  

Then I stopped by my shoe place to scoop my boots, said goodbye to my buddy John there, and came back to my empty apartment for a bit to chill before heading over to Kenny's for dinner and to say a very emotional goodbye. I'm staying at my place tonight after all.

So here I am alone at last with my feelings and thoughts, examining them, seeing what needs to be dealt with so I can go to bed feeling peaceful and calm and ready for tomorrow. Checking in with myself has grown to be my strongest form of self care.


Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous about starting a new job and or sad to leave LA, or telling me, unsolicited, not to be nervous and or sad about those things. And for some reason it's been really hard for me to just politely, diplomatically express gratitude for the support, and not tell them that I'm not. I'm neither of those things. 

I'm not at all nervous or anxious about my job. I'm looking forward to it, and can't wait to get in there and just start learning everything. Start building relationships. But I'm not scared about that at all, despite it being a totally new industry. My confidence is at a full 100% with that part of this whole adventure, and I feel just as relaxed and ready as I did when I was interviewing. I know it's the right work for me, so I don't have anything to feel uncomfortable about, as I did when I was moving up in restaurant management. Then it was a constant inner battle of What are you doing, Ellie? You don't give a fuck about restaurants or even, really, food. You're a fraud and they'll all see you don't belong.

Not so with this. I have already decided I belong and that the client (a company of 200) is going to love me. My boss is going to love me. I'm not worried about the job at all.

And I'm not sad to be leaving LA, other than to leave Kenny. But tonight even that was made okay. I saw something between him and Alfie tonight that made me so joyful, so peaceful about leaving them to one another's love and care--that tonight I could let go, in a way I'd been struggling with until that moment.

And there is literally not one other damn thing about this city that hurts me to leave. I will grow nostalgic over time I'm sure. But all of my best memories here are of my experiences with friends; and those experiences are all coming with me.

And I'm not remotely scared about being in a new city. I give 100% of the credit for that to my being a public transportation wizard, totally unafraid of trains and buses--and the fact that I'm moving to a place with a train system. I cannot wait. So what if I get lost? I'll get off and use my phone to navigate my way home. Or grab a Lyft and try again next time. Not anxious about finding things or being in an unfamiliar town at all. I'm going to be walking around smiling like an idiot telling anyone who'll listen that I'm new, and to give me all their local tips. 

But yeah there has been some anxiety up in my head, so I sat down to work out what it is. And it's so basic. It's so nothing, comparatively. I'm just anxious about living in disorganized, uncomfortable chaos for a month, because I won't have my shit. I'll have clothes and a bed and enough kitchen stuff to fix a very simple meal, and that's it. 

And I am such a creature of my environment. I'm so sensitive to my space, to having a home for everything. I need organization the way the rest of the world needs oxygen. Exaggeration but not by much. So the thought of having to make do with a bit of a mess for a month is the thing that's stressing me out. And that's it.

And holy shit, how awesome is that, when you think about it? If this move and change was happening even just a couple of years ago, I'd be beside myself with anxiety over every aspect of it. I'd be calling my friends for reassurance that everything was gonna be okay, every five minutes. Which must be why everyone keeps checking in, with the wrong idea of what I must be feeling. And I'm grateful, for sure. But I'm so much better than I realized, when I sat down to think about it.

It's gonna be hectic to the end. Right now there are two piles on my floor: absolutely have to have it immediately, and can make do without it for a week. Tomorrow as soon as I wake up I need to see exactly what I can take on the plane and then box up the rest for one final trip to FedEx. I quite ambitiously have one last brow appointment, then an inspection from my building, then I can get ready and go to the airport. Everyone is pitying my red eye but I'm so glad to have the whole long day to get everything done.

When I was applying for jobs, I had an affirmation that I was using to battle through feelings of inadequacy that were creeping up. "I am competent and accomplished, and people value what I have to offer." I know, I know. So Stuart Smalley. That character did so much damage to affirmations, which is a shame because they fucking work. Clearly. I just need to come up with one for the next month, to steady me when the stress of disorganized living gets to me. 

Gonna go to sleep and invite little affirmation sheep to come jump over me, give me some ideas.