HOUSEWARS: Slightly Hostile Conversations Between Things In My Home
Episode I: In Which Nurses Mac and Ruby Are Brought Up Short By Dr. Tito
"Jesus. Ellie is hot mess. She just sneezed on my space bar."
"You think that's gross? She's slobbering all over my spout. I wonder if her friends know she drinks from the container. No wonder she's single."
"Shut up, Ruby. At least you didn't lose your job to a sweatshirt sleeve."
"Someone needs to help her relax. You know she has trouble sleeping when she's sick, and there's nothing catching her eye on Netflix."
"I'd take a bath with her, but I'm feeling really burned out. And I don't like the way she trims my wick. She always takes too much off."
"Don't look at us. We've been hanging out with her for, like, hours every night. It's someone else's turn."
"Let me know when you amateurs are ready to get serious."