Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

the enveloping warmth of self-delusion (a how-to)

Step 1: Construct your narrative. Think carefully about the role you want to cast yourself in. Victim, hero, iconoclast, and martyr are all popular choices, but don't feel limited to these. Get creative!

Some questions to consider: How am I being wronged? In what ways am I innovating or inspiring, that others fail to appreciate? What personality flaws and intellectual shortcomings are preventing them from recognizing my greatness?

Step 2: Ignore any answer that does not lend itself to your established narrative.

Think of your self-deception like a cozy fur coat, shielding you from the harsh winter wind of reality. You wouldn't let it get wet and dirty, would you? That's what challenging outside opinions are: dirt. Brush them off and keep going.

Step 3: Surround yourself with enablers. It's important to experience routine reinforcement of your worldview. This is best achieved by maintaining strict filters in life. Listen only to viewpoints that ratify your position, particularly where it pertains to your character.

Remember, you don't owe the world an open mind! It's your brain: block, delete, and dismiss any thought that makes you uncomfortable.

Step 4: Have the bubble in which you live insured. It's the only thing keeping you safe from the twin abhorrences of self-awareness and growth.

succession

These are trying times we live in. Economic uncertainty, terrors domestic and foreign, and the unwanted, unaccountable, and severely disappointing replacement of the original J. Crew Cece Ballet Flat.

Just listen to heartbroken Cece loyalists such as "YYCC", who writes: I agree with the other reviewers who put low stars on this version of the Cece ballet flat. They definitely are NOT the same as the previous version...I called Customer Service... I can't walk around the city carefully goose-stepping to make sure I don't roll an ankle from my heel slipping in and out of the shoe. Bring back the original Italian makers!

Low stars indeed! To be clear, then, that's Italian = good; goose-stepping = bad.

But YYCC's disappointment is nothing compared to the crushing blow received by "blondewanderlust" when her mail arrived (assuming she wasn't off wanderlusting at the time): I was SO EXCITED to see the CeCe's back in stock on the site. I shrieked my happiness from every social media platform I am privy to; however, I giggled and danced too soon, as these re-released CeCe's are Wrong, Wrong, Wrong! They don't feel even half as nice as the other 6 pairs I own in leather or suede.

Did you hear that J. Crew? Wrong, wrong, wrong! And blondewanderlust should know, being as she is on her sixth pair. I guess when you're privy to a generous shoe budget--

Wait--hang on a moment--"Letdown" in Colorado has something to say: I've had 8 or 9 pairs of the original Italian CeCe's and they fit like gloves...These new "imported" ones have a rounded toe, instead of the original almond...Adding insult to injury? These remain the same price as the originals, but without any of the value. I was so disappointed...I'm so sorry that J. Crew has started to cut corners on their flats...I'm always willing to spend a fortune in exchange for quality!!

Um. Hm. Eight or nine pairs, you say? Ladies, this isn't a competition. I'm sure you've all had many lovely pairs of Cece flats--

I have 5 pairs of the old Cece ballerina flat... - "animus"
I have two pairs of the original Cece flats... - "msandow"
I own 3 pairs... - "Britain"
If I weren't planning on returning, this would've been my 6th pair of the Cece Ballet Flat - "AnnB"
I have these flats in just about every color, suede and leather... - "Sammie"

OKAY, OKAY, WE GET IT. You bitches collect Cece flats the way I hoard chili oil packets from the Chinese takeout place. And the updated version is causing you so much distress you've put manicured fingers to Macbook keyboards to complain about it.

127 of you have done so, in fact. One hundred and twenty-seven of the most unintentionally hilarious reviews I've ever had an hour to waste on reading. A few more favorites:

The stiching on the Emma flat also makes them look much more casual in comparison to the Cece flat...Audrey Hepburn would wear Cece flats, not Emma flats. - "Petra"

Ed note: Right you are, Petra! Hepburn's abhorrence of visible stitching is well known, and documented with a dedicated chapter in each of her biographies. Also a main point in Roger Moore's eulogy, if I'm not mistaken.

I was very disappointed to receive these flats. I already own a pair and LOVED them so I thought I would order 2 more. When I received them I noticed they are no longer made in Italy. The new Cece flats are made in Romania... - "Mickey"

Ed note: Romania? FUCKING EW.

I don't understand why the only positive review on this page is in regards to the old Cece...seems sketchy... - "ELB2"

This new version is not made in Italy and has a much cheaper look, feel and fit. If someone told me they came from a dude also displaying knock-off bags on a grubby blanket under a bridge in Hong Kong I would totally understand their origin... - "Picnic Jones"

Ed note: Oh adorable. A girl calling herself Picnic has a problem with grubby blankets.

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Happy belated holidays, I guess? Fighting my way back to regular posting soon I hope!

with nutrition "facts" on the side, lol






If this was helpful to you, please consider upvoting it here. I just want to outreview LanceS2k, who should probably get off the computer and go see a doctor. 


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I bet Smedley stole the berries. Fucking Smedley.

henceforth

Beloved Family Pet Toppled in Newborn Power Grab

BROOKLYN, NY -- Area couple Thom and Joy Oswald disclosed today their intention to transfer all affection and attention previously enjoyed by their eight year old terrier mix Fitz to a seven pound, four ounce human newborn with whom they share a measure of deoxyribonucleic acid. Effective immediately, sources say Fitz's cuddling privileges and fetch sessions have been suspended indefinitely, while daughter Berkeley will be showered twenty-four hours a day with kisses and tummy tickles.

"I mean, he can't complain. He's had a good run," stated Thom, who until Berkeley's arrival at St. Joseph General at 8:34 a.m. on December 7, where she obtained an Apgar score of 9 and delighted the nursing staff with her itty bitty fingers and toes, used to walk Fitz twice daily without fail. "I'm sure he understands. This is just how it goes."

Citing her infant child's complete and utter helplessness as the primary factor in the decision to henceforth all but ignore a once-treasured pet, Joy relocated Fitz's bed, bowls, and toys from the kitchen to the laundry room. "The high chair has to go somewhere," she explained. "And I don't need him underfoot when I'm cooing at Berkeley the way I used to coo at him."

Officials say Fitz plans to live out his emotional banishment curled up beside an empty water dish, dreaming of frisbee with Thom, and patiently waiting for his new sister to learn compassion. 

rageview$

Retired Mommy Blogger Settling Nicely Into Nursing Home

HOLLYWOOD, FL -- In what his wife described as an "inevitable conclusion to a lifelong horror show of dysfunction", 43 year-old Turbin Tildon spent the afternoon helping his mother Dee, a retired mommy blogger, settle into Shady Acres nursing home Saturday.

"Isn't this nice, Mom?" Turbin asked, his dead-eyed smile tight with long-suppressed resentment. "You should be as comfortable here as I was living the first year of my life in your walk-in closet."

Appearing enraged and refusing to speak or make eye contact, the elderly Dee - whose blog "Oh, Dee! Lightful Days and Twinkly Nights" publicly chronicled the embarrassing misadventures of Turbin and younger sister Calliope - sat rigidly on her new single mattress while Turbin arranged framed pictures on the dresser. "I'll put the collage of me crying when I couldn't find my favorite toy truck right here. Remember when you posted that for millions strangers to laugh at? Haha, that was a popular one!"

Sources say Tildon, a successful writer whose recent autobiography "Rageview$: Recovering From a Life Online" ranked #3 on the New York Times bestseller list, is more than wealthy enough to provide in-home care for his aging mother. "All the money in the world can't buy back what he really only ever wanted from her," his wife sighed, shaking her head sadly and watching as Turbin unpacked Dee's collection of e-devices.

When asked how often he planned to bring his young children to visit their grandmother, Turbin laughed bitterly and looked away. "I need to go speak with the director," he muttered. "They spelled my name wrong on the sign-in paperwork."

At time of press, Mrs. Tildon was inquiring staff as to the availability of wifi in her room.

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And before anyone cries foul, stay tuned for my self-deprecatory follow up piece: "Area Ex-Boyfriend Relieved To Be Out of Blog Spotlight".